A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and asked, "May I see your driver's license?"

The driver answered, "I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI."

The officer asked, "May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?"

The driver answered,"It's not my car. I stole it."

The officer asked, "The car is stolen?"

The driver answered, "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there."

The officer asked, "There's a gun in the glove box?"

The driver answered, "Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk."

The officer asked, "There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?"

The driver answered, "Yes, sir."

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by! Police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.

The Captain asked, "Sir, can I see your license?" The driver answered, "Sure. Here it is." It was valid.

The Captain asked, "Who's car is this?"

The driver answered, "It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card." The driver owned the car.

The Captain asked, "Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?"

The driver answered, "Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it." Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

The Captain asked, "Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it."

The driver answered, "No problem." Trunk is opened; no body.

The Captain said, "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk."

The driver answered, "Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!"
 

Cookies by Douglas Adams (author: "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy")

This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person was me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I'd gotten the time of the train wrong.

I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table.

I want you to picture the scene. It's very important that you get this very clear in your mind.

Here's the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There's a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase.

It didn't look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.

Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There's nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies.

You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know. . . But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn't do anything, and thought, what am I going to do?

In the end I thought, nothing for it, I'll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, that settled him. But it hadn't because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie.

Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice . . ." I mean, it doesn't really work.

We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away.

Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back. A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies.

The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who's had the same exact story, only he doesn't have the punch line.

 

 

A Woman walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Can you give me a double entendre?"

He replies "Sure, I'll give you one!"

 

"What makes you think that?" asks the doctor.

 

One day the zoo keeper noticed that the chimpanzee was reading two books-- the Bible and Darwin's The Origin of Species.

In surprise he asked the chimp, "Why are you reading both of those books?"

"Well," said the chimp, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats.

The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway.

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a voice intoned. "Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong ... Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...."

One afternoon a member of Congress was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate..
He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,” the congressman said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the congressman replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the congressman answered.
They entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the congressman and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The congressman replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high ''

---

 

A guy goes into a bar and orders five double whiskies, "Just line 'em up, one after the other," he says. The barman does this and watches as the guy starts to knock back the whiskies, one by one, with hardly a break in between. "Same again," he orders and starts on the second lot. "Hey," says the barman, "You're hitting it hard and fast!"

"You would too, if you had what I have."

"Why, what have you got?"

"About a dollar sixty five."

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

---

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her panties and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your panties!"
"And you never will if you don't change your attitude."

---

A guy takes his seat on an airliner for a long haul flight. He finds that he is sitting next to a little girl who is travelling alone. He says to her, "I know you're not supposed to talk to strangers but this is a long flight and time will pass quicker if we hold a conversation." She thinks for a moment and then replies, "Okay, mister, but what do we talk about?"

"Why, anything," he says, "How about nuclear physics? That's interesting."

"Okay, mister, but first I want to know about grass."

"What about grass?"

"Rabbits eat it, cows eat it and horses eat it. It's the same grass going in but when it comes out of the rabbit it's in little pellets, while cows plop it out in soft patties, and horses turn it into lumps of processed grass, why is that?"

The man replies, "That's a very good question and I'm afraid I have no idea why that is."

She looks at him with concern and says, "Do you really want to discuss nuclear physics with me, because you don't know shit!"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle or two of wine they retire for the night and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

A Blonde takes her seat on the plane for a long air journey. She’s tired and looking forward to getting some sleep on the trip. She has a window seat and is just adjusting her little airline pillow when a smartly dressed businessman sits down next to her. He announces that he finds air travel to be very boring, but not to worry as he has a super game to pass the time. It’s a quiz. The rules are, he asks her a question and, if she cannot answer it, she has to give him $5, then she gets to ask him a question and, if he cannot answer it, he has to give her $250, however, he may use his laptop computer and can phone a friend.

 

“Okay,” sighs the Blonde, "Just one go and then I’m going to get some sleep." 

 So the guy asks her, “Who is the Foreign Minister of Bolivia?” She doesn't know, so she hands him five bucks.

It’s her turn now, so she asks, “What goes up a hill with three legs, but comes down with four?” With that she turns back to her pillow and goes to sleep.

 

Well the guy hasn’t got a clue. He is completely stumped. He uses his laptop to search the Net, no joy. He uses the air-phone to call his pals, no one knows the answer. After two hours he gives in. He nudges the Blonde awake and hands her the two fifty. She says, “Thanks,” and puts the cash into her purse before going back to sleep. But the guy wants to know the answer, so he shakes her awake and says, “Just what the Hell does go up a hill with three legs, but comes down with four?” The Blonde looks at him, shrugs her shoulders, opens her purse and hands him a five dollar bill.