FOOD FOR THOUGHT

A guy is really bored and and really lonely, so he has a few drinks. The drinks don't help, except that when he gets so bored and so lonely that he thinks about sex with the vacuum cleaner, it seems like a good idea. It really wasn't a good idea and just before he passed out with the pain he was able to dial 999 (or 911). When he comes to, in hospital, the doctor says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we saved your testicles. The bad news is, they are in this jar.

A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything
Under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do
You have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll
Come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store
Was locked up, the boss came to see him. "How many customers bought
Something from you today?

The kid says "One".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.
How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell him?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium
Fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing
Rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,
So I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat
Department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't
Think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive
Department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT
And a TRUCK? Is that right?"

The kid answered, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and
I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot; you should go fishing.'
 

WHEN YOU ARE IN DEEP SHIT, LOOK STRAIGHT AHEAD, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT & SAY NOTHING!!!
 

A bloke walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you all a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my pecker inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my pecker unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his pecker in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the crocodile hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his unit - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again. "I'll make you another offer. I'll pay $100 to anyone who's willing to give this a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A timid young man spoke up. "I'll try, but only if you promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.

"Mary... Mary.... "

"Is that you Fred?"

"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."

"What is it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again."

"Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."
 

A Frightening Analysis

We all know Dick Lamm as the former Governor of Colorado. In that context his thoughts are particularly poignant. Last week there was an immigration-overpopulation conference in Washington, DC, filled to capacity by many of American's finest minds and leaders. A brilliant college professor named Victor Hansen Davis talked about his latest book, "Mexifornia," explaining how immigration — both legal and illegal — was destroying the entire state of California. He said it would march across the country until it destroyed all vestiges of The American Dream.

Moments later, former Colorado Governor Richard D. Lamm stood up and gave a stunning speech on how to destroy America. The audience sat spellbound as he described eight methods for the destruction of the United States. He said, "If you believe that America is too smug, too self-satisfied, too rich, then let's destroy America. It is not that hard to do. No nation in history has survived the ravages of time. Arnold Toynbee observed that all great civilizations rise and fall and that 'An autopsy of history would show that all great nations commit suicide.'"

"Here is how they do it," Lamm said: First to destroy America, "Turn America into a bilingual or multi-lingual and bicultural country. History shows that no nation can survive the tension, conflict, and antagonism of two or more competing languages and cultures. It is a blessing for an individual to be bilingual; however, it is a curse for a society to be bilingual. The historical scholar Seymour Lipset put it this way: 'The histories of bilingual and bi-cultural societies that do not assimilate are histories of turmoil, tension, and tragedy. Canada, Belgium, Malaysia, Lebanon all face crises of national existence in which minorities press for autonomy, if not independence. Pakistan and Cyprus have divided. Nigeria suppressed an ethnic rebellion. France faces difficulties with Basques, Bretons, and Corsicans."

Lamm went on: Second, to destroy America, "Invent 'multiculturalism' and encourage immigrants to maintain their culture. I would make it an article of belief that all cultures are equal. That there are no cultural differences. I would make it an article of faith that the Black and Hispanic dropout rates are due to prejudice and discrimination by the majority. Every other explanation is out of bounds.

Third, "We could make the United States a 'Hispanic Quebec' without much effort. The key is to celebrate diversity rather than unity. As Benjamin Schwarz said in the Atlantic Monthly recently: 'The apparent success of our own multiethnic and multicultural experiment might have been achieved! Not by tolerance but by hegemony. Without the dominance that once dictated ethnocentrically and what it meant to be an American, we are left with only tolerance and pluralism to hold us together.'"

Lamm said, "I would encourage all immigrants to keep their own language and culture. I would replace the melting pot metaphor with the salad bowl metaphor. It is important to ensure that we have various cultural subgroups living in America reinforcing their differences rather than as Americans, emphasizing their similarities."

"Fourth, I would make our fastest growing demographic group the least educated. I would add a second underclass, unassimilated, undereducated, and antagonistic to our population. I would have this second underclass have a 50% dropout rate from high school."

"My fifth point for destroying America would be to get big foundations and business to give these efforts lots of money. I would invest in ethnic identity, and I would establish the cult of 'Victimology.' I would get all minorities to think their lack of success was the fault of the majority. I would start a grievance industry blaming all minority failure on the majority population."

"My sixth plan for America's downfall would include dual citizenship and promote divided loyalties. I would celebrate diversity over unity. I would stress differences rather than similarities. Diverse people worldwide are mostly engaged in hating each other - that is, when they are not killing each other. A diverse, peaceful, or stable society is against most historical precedent. People undervalue the unity! Unity is what it takes to keep a nation together. Look at the ancient Greeks. The Greeks believed that they belonged to the same race; they possessed a common language and literature; and they worshiped the same gods. All Greece took part in the Olympic Games.

A common enemy Persia threatened their liberty. Yet all these bonds were not strong enough to over come two factors: local patriotism and geographical conditions that nurtured political divisions. Greece fell.

"E. Pluribus Unum" — From many, one. In that historical reality, if we put the emphasis on the 'pluribus' instead of the 'Unum,' we can balkanize America as surely as Kosovo."

"Next to last, I would place all subjects off limits ~ make it taboo to talk about anything against the cult of 'diversity.' I would find a word similar to 'heretic' in the 16th century - that stopped discussion and paralyzed thinking. Words like 'racist' or 'x! xenophobes' halt discussion and debate."

"Having made America a bilingual/bicultural country, having established multi-culturism, having the large foundations fund the doctrine of 'Victimology,' I would next make it impossible to enforce our immigration laws. I would develop a mantra: That because immigration has been good for America, it must always be good. I would make every individual immigrant symmetric and ignore the cumulative impact of millions of them."

In the last minute of his speech, Governor Lamm wiped his brow. Profound silence followed. Finally he said, "Lastly, I would censor Victor Hanson Davis's book Mexifornia. His book is dangerous. It exposes the plan to destroy America. If you feel America deserves to be destroyed, don't read that book."

There was no applause.

A chilling fear quietly rose like an ominous cloud above every attendee at the conference. Every American in that room knew that everything Lamm enumerated was proceeding methodically, quietly, darkly, yet pervasively across the United States today. Every discussion is being suppressed. Over 100 languages are ripping the foundation of our educational system and national cohesiveness. Barbaric cultures that practice female genital mutilation are growing as we celebrate 'diversity.' American jobs are vanishing into the Third World as corporations create a Third World in America — take note of California and other states — to date, ten million illegal aliens and growing fast. It is reminiscent of George Orwell's book "1984." In that story, three slogans are engraved in the Ministry of Truth building: "War is peace," "Freedom is slavery," and "Ignorance is strength."

Governor Lamm walked back to his seat. It dawned on everyone at the conference that our nation and the future of this great democracy are deeply in trouble and worsening fast. If we don't get this immigration monster stopped within three years, it will rage like a California wildfire and destroy everything in its path, especially The American Dream.

BARSTOOLS

One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!

A guy went home from work one night and heard a voice.
The voice whispered to him, "Quit your job, sell your
house, take your money, and go to Vegas."

The man was disturbed about what he heard and ignored
the voice. The next day when he got home from work,
the same thing happened. The voice whispered to him,
"Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, and
go to Vegas."

Again the man ignored the voice, though he was very
troubled by the event. Every day, the man was
tormented by the same voice when he came home from
work: " Quit your job, sell your house, take your
money, and go to Vegas."

Each time the man heard the voice he became
increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he
succumbed to the pressure. He quit his job, sold his
house, got together all his money, and headed to
Vegas. The moment the man got off the plane in Vegas,
the voice told him, "Go to Harrah's."
So he hopped into a cab and rushed over to Harrah's.
As soon as he set foot in the casino, the voice
echoed, "Go to the roulette table." The man did as he
was told.

When he arrived at the roulette table, the voice
firmly told him, "Put all your money on 17."
Nervously, the man cashed in his money for chips and
then put them all on 17. The dealer wished the man
good luck and spun the roulette wheel.

Around and around the ball caromed. The man anxiously
watched the ball as it slowly lost speed, until
finally it settled into number... 21.

The voice said, "Damn..."

How old is Grandma?
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end and will surprise
you.

 One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current
events.
The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the
shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born, before television,
penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees
and the pill. There were no credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens.
Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man had yet to walk on the moon.
Your Grandfather and I got married first and then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, "Sir"- - and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."
We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment,
and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and
wrong, and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing! Meant time the family spent together in t! he
evenings and weekends -- not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's
speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out from
listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.  Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 &10-cent store where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.  Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. If you wanted to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail one letter and two postcards. You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. In my day, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was something your mother cooked in, and "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, "chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store, and "software" wasn't even a word. And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap...and how old do you think I am ???

 Read on to see -- Pretty scary if you thin! k about it, and rather sad at the same time.
> >
> >
> >
Grandma is Only 58.  Born in 1946!!!

The following item is by George Carlin.

      The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings
but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.

      We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less.  We have
bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time.

      We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less
judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

      We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too
little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired,
read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

      We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.  We talk
too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
      We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.  We've added years
to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but
have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.

      We conquered outer space but not inner space.  We've done larger
things, but not better things.  We've cleaned up the air, but  polluted the
soul.  We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.

      We write more, but learn less.  We plan more, but accomplish less.
We've learned to rush, but not to wait.  We build more computers to hold
more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less
and less.

      These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and
small character, steep profits and shallow relationships.  These are the
days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier hou! ses, but broken homes.

      These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality,
one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from
cheer, to quiet, to kill.  It is a time when there is much in the showroom
window and nothing in the stockroom.

      A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when
you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

      Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not
going to be around forever.

      Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe,
because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

      Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is
the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

      Remember,! to say, "I love you" to your spouse and your loved ones, but
most of all mean it.  A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes
from deep inside of you.

      Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person
will not be there again.

      Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the
precious thoughts in your mind.

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer." He turns to the ostrich and asks, "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer, too," says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.40 please."

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again, and the man says, "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.

This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the bartender.

"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch," says the man.

"Same for me," says the ostrich.

"That will be $7.20," says the bartender. Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" the bartender asks.

"Well," says the man. "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender, "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

The morning after a night on the town in Minneapolis, Bob told his friend about the Golden Club that he had been drinking in. Everything in the club was lined with gold. The glasses had a gold rim, the rail on the bar was plated with gold, even the urinals were gold plated.

Bob was ready to believe his buddy until he mentioned the gold plated urinals so he phoned the Golden Club. "Is it true that the glasses in your club have a gold rim?" Bob asked.

"Yes, it's true" replied the voice on the other end.

"And is the rail on the bar plated with gold?" asked Bob.

"Yes it is" was the reply from the other end. "

"And, one more thing, is it true that the urinals are gold plated?" inquired Bob.

Bob could hear the person on the other end yell to the band "Hey Joe, I think I found the guy that took a leak in your saxophone last night!"

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar. He didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster?"

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?"

"Yes, right here in my golf bag."

"Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie. The friend asks the genie, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie replies so he asks him for a million bucks.

The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead in heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch bic?!"

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Metre board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.

After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal...

HOW TO SURVIVE A HEART ATTACK ALONE
> >    
> > 
> >              From F. Daniel Rochman MD
> > 
> >    If everyone who gets this sends it to 10
> >  people, you can bet that we'll save at least one
> >  life.
> > 
> >              Let's say it's 6:15 p.m. and you're
> >  driving home
> >              (alone of course), after an unusually
> >  hard day on the job. You're really
> >              tired, upset and frustrated. Suddenly
> >  you start experiencing severe pain
> >           in your chest that starts to radiate out
> >  into your arm and up into your jaw.
> >              You are only about five miles from the
> >  hospital nearest your home;
> >              unfortunately you don't know if you'll
> >  be able to make it that far.
> > 
> >              WHAT CAN YOU DO?
> > 
> >              You've been trained in CPR but the guy
> >  that taught the course neglected
> >              to tell you how to perform it on
> >  yourself. Since many people are alone
> >           when they suffer a heart attack, this
> >  article seemed to be in order. Without
> >              help, the person whose heart stops
> >  beating properly and who begins to
> >              feel faint, has only about 10 seconds!
> >  left before losing consciousness.
> >              However, these victims can help
> >  themselves by coughing repeatedly and
> >     very vigorously.
> > 
> >              A deep breath should be taken before
> >  each cough, and the cough must be deep and
> >  prolonged, as when producing sputum from deep inside
> >  the chest, and a cough must be repeated about every
> >  2 seconds without let up until
> >              help arrives, or until the heart is felt
> >  to be beating normally again.
> > 
> > 
> >              Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs
> >  and coughing movements squeeze the heart and keep
> >  the blood circulating. The squeezing pressure on the
> >  heart also helps it regain normal rhythm.
> > 
> >              In this way, heart attack victims can
> >  get to a hospital.

Mel and Tino were both patients in an El Camino mental hospital.  One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mel suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.  Tino promptly jumped in to save him.  He swam to the bottom and pulled Mel out.

When the medical director became aware of Tino's heroic act, he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Tino the news, he said, "Tino, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is you're being discharged.  Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient,  I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind.  The bad news is, Mel, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom, right after you saved him.  I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Tino replied: "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry.  How soon can I go home?"

Tax Cuts - A Simple Lesson In Economics

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof So he looks in the
>yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He
>calls
>the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
>
>The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a
>baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to
>do,"
>the homeowner asks?
>
>I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
>up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When
>the
>bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not
>let
>go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage
>in
>the back of the van."
>
>He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
>
>"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
>
>"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog"

After a terrible storm, a sailor, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a shipwreck, and they found themselves stranded on a desert island.  After being there for a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect nigh